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Tuesday, December 16, 2008 @ 12:52 AM
Joan chew here!!!

I'm watching This Is Our God DVD, now it's the song He Is Lord.

He is coming back again,
He is coming back again,
He is coming back again.

:D Jesus is coming back. I'm excited.

Sorry it took so long to come here and do that little project Jayna assigned. But I find it abit hard to put it into pointers, so I'l just type by chunks :D

Actually I already shared a bit on Saturday, but well here's to those who weren't there (:

Camp has been so awesome for me. I didn't get the BOOMBANGWOOSHPIANG breakthrough I expected. I didn't get that sudden sensation of God's love. In fact, I didn't feel much. But I grew much (:

Some background info:
A lot of my christian life, I've been basing the quality and attitude of my worship on my emotions. Feel good, worship better. Feel lousy, give God less. Although I've been a christian all my life, I never really lived it out til the last 4 years. It's only 4 years. I just realised. O.O

And I've been struggling with forgiving a friend right before camp. So the 2 sermons before camp week applied to me so much. But I struggled hard to forgive her. Throughout our 4 years of friendship I always struggled with forgiving her for the many times she hurt me. It wasn't on purpose, she's just insensitive, but still, yeah. So we quarrelled like 4 times in 2 weeks before camp, and many other times in that 2 weeks, we were only a hairline close to getting into another quarrel. And I was really getting tired. I didn't wna talk to her. I really wished I never got to know her. I've wished for that quite a few times in these 4 years already. Last time, each time I felt hurt, I would pray and in the end just forgive. But I never really forgot. This time though, it was especially hard to forgive. To even think about her made me miserable. And much as I wanted to forget her, before and during camp my mind was so preoccupied with what was going on between us.

So yes. And most of this year, as days and months passed I got more and more tired, more and more hopeless and helpless. O's was draining me. Because I couldn't trust God; that He would help and guide me. I wanted so badly to get my 6 points that I was obsessed, there was not a moment that studying was not on my mind, especially the few months just before O's. I tried so hard to drop all that I was worrying about and spend time with God,look to Him. I've forgotten how it's like to forget everything around you and everything you have to do, and just focus on God. Like when I worshipped or did my QT, I struggled so much with that. I couldn't, just couldn't, keep my eyes on God and only on God. So slowly, I just gave up and told God that I'd 'ignore' Him for the time being and when O's were over and I had nothing more to worry about, I'd make time for Him. Only then, I thought, could I focus on Him.

But as time passed I began to feel more aimless. I thought, that by dropping God and pushing Him aside, I could study better cos of more time. But I was so wrong, because when I really dropped God, I couldn't focus on studying at all. When I studied, nothing went into my head. I panicked. But driven the fear of not doing as well as I wanted to, I would just sit at my table for hours and drill in whatever I had to know.

It was a real struggle between God and studies. I never struggled like this before, I think this time it was because O's was quite an important exam and there was so little time left.

So, I was confused. Kept jumping from studies, to God, to studies, but nothing really worked out. I studied so hard and yet my efforts didn't seem to pay off. Guess my studying method was wrong.

I kept teling myself like, Come on Joan, just fork out some time for God. With Him in the centre everything will fall into place. You know that don't you? Jesus died on the cross for you, the least you could do is spend some time with Him. Is it that hard?

Yeah, it was that hard. and somehow I just struggled this struggle till O's were finally over and I just felt so lost.
Even though I kept saying wow I felt like a freed bird and stuff like that, I guess it was more to comfort myself. There wasn't any freedom that O's were over. I just felt like I was still trapped in that place. Like in a forest when it's pitch-black all around and I'm trying to find where God is but I don't know which way to go. And afraid I'd go off in the wrong direction, I just didn't dare move.

If you talk about feel, yeah, I didn't feel God at all. And sometimes now I still don't actually.

But the difference now is that I've learnt to ignore my emotions. Sure they're important, but if I listen to them now they'll only mislead me. In other words, just because I don't FEEL God, it doesn't mean He isn't there. God is ALWAYS there. God is God, He isn't like us, Man.

One thing I want to drill into my head is: Die to self, daily.

I want to do QT everyday before I go about doing anything. Like in camp; Wash up, have breakfast, do QT, then go about my day.

I want to surrender myself to God every single day, I want to stay in His presence every single day. I don't want to live another day like before camp - where I only came into God's presence when I felt like it, or when I entered into a time of worship.
I want to be in God's presence every second of every day, and I want to worship Him with every second of my life. I guess that's what leads to worshipping Him with everything you say and do. Glorifying Him, enthroning Him.

Die to self, die to self, die to self.
Meaning forget my emotions, forget my desires, forget my dreams, everything, and just look to what God wants. I think I'll put it up on my wall or something. I want to die to self daily, and only live for God. Not myself.

I'll never forget how God spoke to me at camp. Rather, I'll never want to forget.
It was the first time in my life that I really heard and knew it was God.
During worship, each time my mind drifted back to that friend and debated what to do, there was just this voice that said: Forgive, forgive, forgive.
Many times. But I sort of ignored that voice, not on purpose, but it was like a gentle, quick, sort of whisper that was overpowered by the other voices of myself, debating in my head.
I only got a breakthrough to finally let it go and forgive on Day 5 of camp. I guess because that was when I decided that I want to die to self. And God wants me to forgive, so I'll forgive. And I felt so much better (: It's like God has slit a rope, unforgiveness, that had been tying my down so tightly, and I was released.
But I still felt like there were more ropes to be cut. I still feel it now. I think there are many issues I have to deal with. Step by step, I know God's gna cut up all those ropes. (:

Another time I heard God's voice was also during worship, I was just doubting His love for me. Then suddenly God just said, "If I didn't love you, why would I die on the cross for you?"
I didn't start crying like crazy, but it just struck me - That's right, if God didn't love me, why would He die for me? And I just understood. And that's when I was convicted, yes, I should believe in God's promises no matter what I feel or what happens, because He has said He loved me and He showed it by dying on the cross for me.

God also spoke to me through a lady who prayed for me. And also through Jeanette, who also prayed for me. For the lady, everything that I was thinking, the moment the thought came to me, she just spoke the words God gave. And every single thing she said was just... So for me. It wasn't a prayer she went round praying for everyone, but it was for me. Everything was so... timely. And many people who prayed for me just prayed for me to be disciplined in reading my Bible. Which is something I've been struggling with and thinking A LOT about.

On one morning, there was just this call for the broken to respond. And every single thing PJ said was just. Like God was talking to me.

I guess God had used so many people to speak to me. Before and throughout camp. And I believe, all the while He has been sending people and situations to speak to me.

So after the alter call, I did have a little breakthrough out of that broken state thing but, I wasn't there yet. It was not a complete breakthrough. Like I said earlier, there were just so many ropes that I felt were tying me down. And I could not figure which rope represented what. That I guess, after time, as one by one more ropes tied me down, I just felt so defeated, so tired, and just so so weak.

I said earlier, I shut off my emotions during camp, because after being too confused with different emotions for too long, I knew if I looked at my emotions I wouldn't be able to worship God. it had happened too many times that I knew by now.There was just this picture of myself curled up, slinked (is that the word?) against the wall, so helpless and so weak. Not having any strength left to stretch my hand out toward God who was standing right before me, who had HIS hands stretched out, trying to pick me up. But I knew if I ignored my weakness and just stretched out my hand, He would pick me up. And that's what happened. I have to ignore how weak I'm feeling and just focus on wanting to get back up.

I've been doing QT daily, and not just once a day, but once in the morning and once at night.
I want to stay home more now, and I want to turn on christian music, pray more, just dwell in God's presence. I'm gna try everything there is to just focus on God.

And I want to remind myself daily that this life actually isn't for me, but it's to glorify God. My life is not just FOR God, it's to GLORIFY Him, so that He may be PLEASED (: I want to please God man, I really want to. And that's why I want to die to self. I don't want to bother about how I feel, I just want to use my life to worship this God that I love so much.

And to you Passerbys, here's something I would like to say: Put aside your emotions (: God has never left your side and will never leave you. He is forever there. God loves you, you 2 Passerbys. Know that. (: He died on the cross, just for you. No one would just go up there and die for you. But Jesus did. And, in every season, in the good and bad times, God is still God. Situations may change but God wil never change; in the good and the bad, God is still with you. In the good and the bad, God still loves you. In the good and the bad, God sticks by His promises; He never breaks promises. Don't give up seeking God, because it is said that when you seek WITH ALL YOUR HEART, you WILL find (: God looks at the heart. God sees your deepest, most earnest desires, and He will come. God bless (:


A guy from hillsong said in the DVD: By your stripes, we are healed.
And that impacted me.

I just want to share something more about myself.
See me? I'm all good and healthy now. But you know, actually I'm supposed to be a deformed person? Yup. (:
When I was in my mother's womb the doc gave my mum wrong medicine, or something like that, and the doc said I would come out as a deformed child.
I don't know deformed in what way, but just deformed.
My parents didn't take it, they went to another docs. Yet again, the same answer: I would be deformed.
They went to yet another, and another, and many many docs. And all said the same thing.

Then finally they went to a Christian doc, and the doc prayed with them. My mum just went through with the giving birth thing. I don't know what my parents were thinking as they gave birth to me, but here I am, as normal as any other human. I've no allegies, no diseases, no illness, no nothing.
It's only by God's grace that I can be here in CCH, in Central 2.

I only found out this year. haha, when my mum was saying it my dad teared, and I just saw how God's grace had delivered me and my parents.

Alright, so I'm done (: Long post man, but I hope it has blessed you. I included more personal stuff than I wanted to, but I hope that through these details you've been blessed by how God has worked in me.