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Tuesday, December 23, 2008 @ 9:53 AM
Joanc posting.

Hey Central 2. I just wna share something with all of you.

About 2 hours ago I was doing a lot of thinking. Throughout the whole of today, in fact, I've been thinking.

I've been feeling like this:
Like there's a lot of drama going on beneath the surface, like there are raging storms. Really raging. But that's all under the surface.

Tmr, Christmas Eve, I'm going out w my clique.
After so much thinking the past few days, I realise that it takes a lot of courage to meet up with people who have hurt you so much. I was really scared for a few days. It was agony thinking about the outing tmr, because I really don't know how to look them in the eye and spend hours with them on Christmas Eve. Each time I got a msg from any of them about tmr, no matter how happy I might be feeling, my mood would plunge, all the way, and hit rock bottom. It was so painful to even think about any of them at all. I was really afraid that tomorrow, I'd get hurt again and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take it. I felt like I was breaking.

And I was just feeling really weak just now. And frustrated. I didn't feel like a warrior. I felt so torn apart, like, I knew I needed time alone w God, I really needed God, but yet I was struggling agn just now, so much, with doing my QT. I wanted to read the Bible so badly and have God speak to me. I wanted to be embraced and comforted by God so badly, because no one else can calm all the storms in me that are going so out of control. But there was just something pulling me back, telling me not to do QT. It felt like I was going crazy.

Things are easier said than done. Committments are easier said than carried out.

As much as I want to trust God, I still struggle. As much as I want to be firmly rooted in God's promises, I still struggle. And as much as I want to keep my eyes on God, I just find it so hard.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face

And the things on Earth will grow stangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

I read Matthew online. I didn't feel like reading the Bible initially (a part of me didn't feel like it but another part of me kinda wanted to), but as I read chapter by chapter there was something leading me to read more, more.

Eventually God spoke to me through chapters 5-7. Almost every single verse was.... For me.

I'm still feeling really weak and crushed at the moment, but I know that I don't want to be crushed and I don't want to be defeated.
I'm a warrior for God, an Aeron. Is that how you spell it?

It's really tiring and really painful; I really wish God would quickly take me out of this dry and draining season. I haven't felt this weak in ages, or maybe never before.

But however tiring, I still want to cling on to God. And even if I find it hard to do stuff God wants me to do, I'm just gna try. I don't know if I can chiong for God, because I'm just so tired. But I really will try my best.

I guess, for those of you who might feel somewhat like me, or you wna get out of this lousy season you're in, just keep reminding yourself of God's love and promises.

PJ said on Sunday, that only you can control you.
Only I can control my thoughts and emotions. No one else can.
So it's up to me whether I want to turn my eyes upon Jesus and trust Him. So, I'm gna try my best.